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Evelyn has seen every episode of Riverdale. Miranda hasn't seen a single one. Each week, they traverse the winding, trash-lined road that is the absolutely bonkers plot of CW's hit series: Riverdale. Miranda gets 3 screencaps handpicked by Evelyn, and the episode title to try and predict what's going to happen this week. Evelyn then guides her through what actually happens. And it's always, always worse than either of them could have imagined.
Episodes
Tuesday Nov 17, 2020
Tuesday Nov 17, 2020
Having re-capped a full season, berating it all the way, it's time for Evelyn and Miranda to put their creativity to the test and prove their thesis that there were other, less ridiculous ways to tell Riverdale's "story".
What if - and hear us out here - there WASN'T any incest? What if the school had a guidance counsellor? What if it were a tight miniseries? What if we focused on making these characters...people???
We dig into the goldmine of small-town politics, and how safe a community like that can feel...as well as how shattering it is to have that safety called into question. Was it ever really safe for everyone? All actions have consequences and when you're in a small pond, even the tiniest of ripples can be a tidal wave.
Miranda shares her favourite part of Afterlife with Archie, and talks about the time she threatened eight-year-olds with sisterly vengeance. Evelyn sings a lovely commemorative song, and will make Kevin into a three-dimensional person if it kills her. If she can also find a way to transport Riverdale to the Wild West, that would be ideal.
Also: Anyone else like tapdancing whilst nude?
Content Warnings:
- Emotional abuse/manipulation
- Incest (brief mention)
- Neglect
- Pedophilia
- Racial profiling (brief mention)
- Racism
- Religious prejudice
- Transphobia
- Suicide/attempted suicide
Music: 'Imps' by Mark Revell
Tuesday Nov 10, 2020
Tuesday Nov 10, 2020
The season one finale! The episode that should be an epic conclusion manages to be neither. Only...four more finales to go...at least...Oh God.
Penelope Blossom is the devil, Hiram puts his dick on the table, and Jughead boldly starts everything off with references to far better mystery franchises than the one he's in. Archie and Veronica will not stop hounding Betty like they're TRYING to create a love triangle where there really isn't one...oh, and Thornhill gets deliberately burned to the ground. There's a shocking ending...but we're more focused on how one might perform 'The Good Sex' with a broken hand. Or play the guitar for that matter.
On the bright side, Evelyn is enjoying her papaya and makes an EXCELLENT point about dear Cheryl. Miranda puts together a title-based conspiracy...but has no idea what it means. She also definitely doesn't know what a gun is. We sort of merge into one person at some point, but that's pretty par for the course, and then we round off the episode with our thoughts on the season overall. We'll level with you here: They're pretty negative.
(Note: Secondary drowning is indeed when there's still water left in the lungs, which irritates them and oxygen can't pass through as well. It's rare, and is treatable if you go to a hospital ASAP after developing a fever, shortness of breath, chest pain, or extreme fatigue within 24 hours. Pretty grim, but stay safe everyone.)
Content Warnings:
- Abortion
- Arson
- Derogatory Language
- Drowning
- Racism
- Suicide/attempted suicide
Music: 'Imps' by Mark Revell
Tuesday Nov 03, 2020
Tuesday Nov 03, 2020
This week, we find out who did the murder... and are consequently baffled as to why this ISN'T the season finale.
A whole lot comes to light as we learn the history between the Blossoms and the Coopers (the 'Bloopers', if you will) isn't as simple as we thought, Sheriff Dad is being run ragged with all the macabre discoveries about town, someone should REALLY check in on Cheryl, and we unpack the truly bizarre origins of this show.
But first, we find out about yet another Archie adaptation. This one from 1990, and it somehow manages to give Riverdale a run for its money in how poorly it treats the characters.
Miranda is right on schedule for another tantrum of disgusted rage, and Evelyn forgets what crying is, though to be fair, this show turns you numb. We take a moment to think about the infinite universe theory...and even longer to ponder: What makes a worm a worm?
(Note for off the top: Miranda was wrong. Sophocles didn't write The Bakkhai. That was Euripides. Sorry, Mr. Euripides. Credit where credit is due)
Content Warnings:
- Abortion (brief mention)
- Emotional Abuse/manipulation
- Drug usage/drugs
- Incest
- Memory Loss
- Murder
- Sexual Assault (brief mention)
- Suicide
Music: 'Imps' by Mark Revell
Tuesday Oct 27, 2020
Tuesday Oct 27, 2020
We're (river's)edging closer and closer to the season finale and things just keep getting weirder. Somehow.
This week, there's yet another school dance, and the family dinner of your nightmares to look forward to. Polly is a bad detective, but at least she won't get osteoporosis, there are a surprising amount of references to Lord of The Rings - which is to say: There's one (1) reference to Lord of The Rings, and Vegas is packing heat.
We decide that Fred is all the hobbits, Miranda busts out her stunningly mediocre Nic Cage impression, and Evelyn tells us about her adventures watching the short-lived cartoon: Archie's Weird Mysteries. Did you think this franchise was lacking in aliens, and tuber vegetables? Then boy has Evelyn got the show for you.
(Also, we can't recommend the show Garth Meringue's Darkplace enough. It's only six 25-minute episodes. They're all on Youtube, and they're all hilarious. )
Content Warnings:
- Abortion (brief mention)
- Drugs/drug usage
- Emotional abuse/manipulation
- Racism (brief mention)
- Suicide
- Xenophobia (brief mention)
Music: 'Imps' by Mark Revell
Tuesday Oct 20, 2020
Tuesday Oct 20, 2020
Good news everyone, this is an episode Evelyn has been dreading! Let's share the dread, shall we? There's certainly enough to go around.
It's Jughead's birthday, and Betty is determined to ruin it by foisting her idea of a good time upon him. SO MUCH happens at the fateful party, and none of it is good. Well, except maybe one of the funniest line deliveries ever. We'll give you that one, Jughead. We'll give you that one.
The Glee parallels begin to creep back in, Archie is drunk for two-thirds of the episode but don't worry: his abs are still sober, some schmuck from half a season ago returns without warning or explanation, and a WHOLE BUNCH of secrets come out when Cheryl starts a game called 'If my reputation is sunk, you're all coming down with me'.
Also, in a stunning role reversal, today it's Miranda who has upsetting information to share, and it's Evelyn's glasses that are in danger. We ponder the disappearance of Agatha Christie, discuss our potential porn names, briefly forget what adverbs are, and commit many, many mouth crimes.
Content Warnings:
- Alcoholism
- Emotional abuse/manipulation
- Incest
- Physical assault
- Suicide (brief)
Music: 'Imps' by Mark Revell
Tuesday Oct 13, 2020
Tuesday Oct 13, 2020
This week, we delve into a topic all Canadians are familiar with: Maple Syrup!
The Blossom family gathers to perform their ridiculously archaic traditions even though Jason is gone. If only they could find some sort of surrogate...someone who can be easily swayed...someone who's hair is as red as his head is empty...Sure hope that doesn't lead to anything deeply uncomfortable!
Robo-Veronica reaches out to budding poet and resident sympathy-magnet, Ethel, who's having a tough time, and yes, has not appeared in a full 6 episodes. We won't be addressing that. What we will be addressing is Cheryl's fantastic wardrobe, perhaps the most cursed line in the show to date, a truly insulting job offer, and our adoration of one Valerie Brown. The writers clearly do not share our love...but at least she gets some killer dunks in on Archie before they write her off completely.
Meanwhile, in a decidedly more manic state than last week, the tangents are many, and the expectations are few. Miranda rides the rollercoaster of emotions from catatonic disgust, to vindictive ecstasy, and Evelyn Will Not put the cat toy down.
Also, we talk about our respective French educations for a while, and then never bring it up again...Hey, just like Riverdale!
Content Warnings:
- Abortion
- Alcoholism
- Emotional abuse/manipulation
- Incest
- Suicide
Music: 'Imps' by Mark Revell
Tuesday Oct 06, 2020
Tuesday Oct 06, 2020
This week, Riverdale chooses yet another hot-button issue to throw into the mix as we learn a bit more about Alice Cooper (not that one).
Everyone's playing tug-o-war with Polly, but Robo-Veronica and her poor problem-solving skills are undeterred, someone needs to help Fred find his boys, we get some comics lore on Jughead, Nana Rose has straight-up magical abilities, and it's possible the residents of Riverdale are all either snakes or raccoons.
Evelyn has a confession that is honestly more earth-shattering than anything within the show itself, and Miranda talks about summer camp. The vibes are weird, but they persevere. (Should that be our tagline?)
Content Warnings:
-Abortion
-Physical assault/violence
-Emotional abuse/manipulation
-Gaslighting
Music: 'Imps' by Mark Revell
Tuesday Sep 29, 2020
Tuesday Sep 29, 2020
This week it's all Jughead, all the time, but SOMEHOW he's not the most infuriating character. Archie has, against all odds, pulled into the lead as Resident Douche.
The interactions between the adults continue to be far, far more engaging than the interactions between the kids...which is rather unfortunate considering the show seems to mainly be about said kids. Veronica has some sad moments, but at least she's rich, there are NO BRAND NAMES ALLOWED, Fred continues to be a saint, and Sheriff Dad doesn't know anything.
While last week Miranda forgot how to math, this week she forgets how to spell! Maybe that brainpower is genetically pre-disposed to go towards bill-paying espionage. Meanwhile, Evelyn systematically dismantles every plot-point, and tells us a sordid, suspenseful tale about 'Starwait'.
Content Warnings:
-Alcoholism
-Arson (briefly)
-Emotional abuse/manipulation
-Memory loss/dementia/Alzheimer's
Music: 'Imps' by Mark Revell
Tuesday Sep 22, 2020
Tuesday Sep 22, 2020
Both on Riverdale, and on the podcast, this week a few people come perilously close to a breakdown. Though really, how does that make this episode different from any of the others?
Sure, there's a murdered boy whose killer remains at large, but there's also a talent show to worry about! Guess which event involves Archie 'low stakes' Andrews - who definitely does not understand how nicknames work.
Evelyn continues to wield the threat of musical episodes with frightening dexterity, Miranda talks a lot about a really good video game (Blasphemous - check it out!), and we propose yet another Riverdale spinoff. You've heard of The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, (you've probably not heard about Katy Keene,) now we present: Hal the Cuck!
Content Warnings:
- Arson
- Drug mentions/use
- Emotional abuse/manipulation/gaslighting
- Hospitals/mental institutions
Music: 'Imps' by Mark Revell
Tuesday Sep 15, 2020
Tuesday Sep 15, 2020
Welcome to the pronunciation corner!
This week, we spend some time with The Blossoms which is exactly as fun as it sounds.
Things get funereal, various passive-aggressive comments are slung by the absurdly rich, and we talk about gym class for a while because discussing Archie's plot-line (such as it is) is That Boring.
Miranda issues a sincere apology, we get steaming mad about Kevin's characterization (such as it isn't), and also: Hey, Riverdale? You need to stop stealing the names of Evelyn's family members.
On the bright side, if we merged, we'd become the ultimate sportsperson!
(P.S. That book Miranda mentioned is called Mick Harte Was Here by Barbara Park.)
Content Warnings:
- Attempted suicide
- Emotional abuse
- Funeral/Eulogizing
- Incest
Music: 'Imps' by Mark Revell